Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
His hands were made for my vagina.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
