Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
