It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
