if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
