ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Everclear isn't food dammit
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
