Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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