I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I wish there were birth control emojis
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
