i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
