and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
