Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Randomize
