I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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