i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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