i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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