so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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