fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
