woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
