mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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