dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
