A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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