"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
What drink are we having for lunch?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Randomize
