We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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