i think i have two assholes
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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