you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
COCAINE IS GR8
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
