He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
