She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
he thought i was a dude.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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