i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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