if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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