Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize