I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
