I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
