Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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