dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
