there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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