K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
