I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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