3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
