she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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