Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
