oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
