I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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