i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
