My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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