Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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