So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
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