I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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