did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
