She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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