i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
