This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
We have started to decorate penises.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
