If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Barsexuality is the new black.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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