his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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