I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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