he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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