there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
