this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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