I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
