I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
