My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
