i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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