A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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