do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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