did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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