I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
she smelled like a LAN party
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
this is an emotional support booty call
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
