My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
