I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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