remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
