I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
