I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Randomize