my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
