for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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