you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Randomize
